She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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