Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
