was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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