Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
