I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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