Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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