"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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