i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
