Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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