I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
