I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
