i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
