first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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