This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
