I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
