You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
