how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Randomize
