You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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