I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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