My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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