The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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