my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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