Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
