I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
