anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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