he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I just sharted jello shots
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
