I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
