good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
