you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
