cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
