Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
