My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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