Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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