I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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