Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
