SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
