I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
