Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I look better un-naked...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
