I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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