just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
