I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Life is so much better after having sex.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
