I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
