somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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