Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
