i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
