I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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