So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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