I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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