be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
