I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
