After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
