Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
