Apparently you make a good broom.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
